A Way To Be Less Afraid

13th day of the 7th moon, 1162 HC

"All this time, and you haven't had a taste of her yet," Zudaeshi coos, "How long has it been now?"

"Ten days, Your Radiance," Mulsae answers softly.

"I see you're counting the days," she smiles, "It must be agony being with her all day every day and have your cock caged and useless." She's languidly stroking his cock while his arms and legs are spread and tied to the bed. She's already used him. His bruises are blooming.

"It's been... a new experience, Your Radiance," he tries to deflect.

"You've done a good job with her. She's ready for Garrick. I have Rhydros scouting Mountain Sanctum preparing to sack it, so he'll be here soon." She strokes him more earnestly.

"I think you deserve a reward," she purrs, breath brushing his ear, "Wouldn't you like to taste her at last?" Her grip tightens and he tilts his head back and bucks. "Yes, you do want to taste her. Look at you, just the thought of it has you squirming." She squeezes and he bucks. It's discomfort, not pleasure.

"Just think of it, Mulsae." No. "Think of how nice it will be to slide your cock into her wet and warm cunt." The thought goes through his head and he likes it. Just fucking someone else for a change. Having his cock in someone who isn't Zudaeshi. Someone he's controlling. Someone he's dominating.

"Look at you, panting away." She strokes faster. He screws his eyes shut. No no no. It's wrong. I shouldn't want that.

"Just imagine her in that collar, and you're holding her leash, pulling her head back while you take her from behind." Oh gods yes, that would be great. He bucks rhythmically into her hand. "She's just limp and helpless, wriggling from your thrusts." Yes yes yes yes yes.

"Trembling. Whimpering. Begging for more. She is enjoying your cock so much that she comes undone and screaming your name." Oh gods yes. He pictures Hanna shattering on his cock. That image shreds through him like glass. And then his own cum spurts from him and lands on his chest in rhythmic pulses.

Zudaeshi lets go of him and he pants heavily as he comes down from his high. He feels rotten. Terrible. He shouldn't like that so much. He shouldn't want that.

She runs her nails through the seed on his chest, "You do want that. I think you've earned it, Mulsae." She sits up and looks down at him with a warm smile. "Tomorrow. I'll let you have her tomorrow."

She crawls off the bed and walks nude over to Hanna and crouches before her. She runs a nail down her cheek. "You'll be his reward." Hanna's body doesn't move. But her eyes shift, darting to Mulsae, then to the bed, then to the ropes.

She rises and walks over to the bathing chamber. "I'm done with you. Hanna, untie Mulsae and get out." She disappears behind the door, and silence swells in her absence.

Hanna doesn't move right away. She stares at Mulsae, lips parted. Breathing too fast. Then, slowly, she crawls forward.

Her fingers fumble at the knots. Her hands are shaking. Mulsae can't bear to look at her. But then he does and sees it. Not just terror. Realization. She isn't trembling from confusion anymore. She's trembling because she understands.

=*=

14th day of the 7th moon, 1162 HC

Mulsae wakes with Hanna much closer than normal. He feels her breath on his shoulder. He's surprised because after what she heard from Zudaeshi last night, she's been silent and withdrawn. She went straight to sleep without reading to them nor saying good night with a tap on their heads.

He opens and peeks at her from the corner of his eyes. She's staring wide eyed at him. He carefully rolls to his side to face her while minimizing disturbing Damion's sleep.

Is something wrong? Mulsae asks mentally to keep quiet.

Yes. Her response is small. Faint.

Do you want to talk about it?

Yes. He waits for her. Her heart rate quickens. Her eyes flick down to her fingers worrying a thread. But she doesn't say anything.

Is it about what Zudaeshi said last night?

Yes. I don't want to be helpless again, she says without looking up.

It's really scary.

It is.

I wish I could make it less scary for you. His heart sinks.

I think you can.

He furrows his brow. How?

Can you teach me? She flicks her eyes up to his then back to her fingers. I think if I had some experience, had a better idea what is happening, that it will be less scary.

Yes, I can see how understanding what's happening would make it a bit less scary.

Like... I don't know what that thing is that you keep putting over your cock.

He swallows. It's a cage. To prevent me from using it. Zudaeshi wants me limited to her only. It's enchanted so she's the only one who can remove it.

Her eyes widen. That is horrid. Gods, in a place like this I want to masturbate whenever I get a moment alone in order to keep my mind off things.

He huffs a light laugh. Yes. True. Well. Damion and I have... other methods to keep our minds off things.

What is the nature of your relationship? You two are... intimate?

Yes. We're... companions. We share everything with each other. We haven't promised ourselves to each other or anything. We just share our lives closely while we're walking the same path together.

Does Damion have a cage on him?

No. She only needs one of us leashed. He... She keeps for comfort.

Comfort?

She likes to pet him when She's stressed.

Now Hanna huffs a light laugh. Pet him?

Mulsae tries to quietly snicker. It is pretty funny. She'll crouch down next to him and run Her fingers through his hair while complaining.

"What's with all the giggling over there?" Damion's voice breaks the silence.

"She pets you," Hanna giggles.

Damion groans. "Yes. She plays with my hair and bitches," his voice turns low and serious, "It could be a lot worse."

She sits up to look both of them in the eyes, "It can be worse. And she wants it to be worse for me. And I'm really scared." Her lip trembles, "And I want you to help me be less scared."

Damion sits up, "Of course. Anything."

She takes a deep trembling breath. "I'm nervous about having sex. The girls say that it hurts the first time. So, I want to get that over with." Damion's eyes widen. He shifts his gaze to Mulsae then back to Hanna.

"Plus what She says she wants done to me is not... normal," she straightens her back as well as her resolve, "I want to experience it first where I am in a situation that I can control."

Damion clears his throat. "You... want to have sex... with us."

"Well. You. Mulsae is caged."

"With... me." His eyes dart back and forth while he rubs the back of his neck. Damion is frozen still, the whites of his eyes fully exposed. His throat bobs. "I, uh, " he finally exhales, "Sorry. Just... surprised."

"I'm sorry if that's too much to ask," she turns bright red, "I just thought it'd be less scary if I had a better idea what is happening." Her shoulders sink and she looks at her fingers picking at the fabric of the blanket.

Damion swallows. Licks his lips. "I just... I don't want to do anything to scare you."

"I'm scared already," she sighs heavily, "I'm trying to find a way to be less scared."

"I see. Then. Okay," Damion says carefully, "Whatever you want. At your speed. You have permission to do what you would like with me."

"How should we do it?" She asks. They stay frozen having no idea how to take the next step.

Hanna eventually sits up carefully. She slowly gets out of the bed and walks around to the other side and sits next to Damion. She swallows. "Does the first time have to hurt?" she asks.

His throat bobs as he swallows, "I know how to do it to minimize discomfort. But," he looks to Mulsae and back to Hanna, "It takes time and Zudaeshi gets impatient. In that case it doesn't matter if it's the first time of one hundredth time. It'll be uncomfortable or hurt."

She nods while she ponders. She casts her gaze from Mulsae, to Damion, back to her hands. She then says almost imperceptibly, "Can we try it your way?" Mulsae's heart jumps into his throat. Damion's stress is rippling off him. They stay stock still.

"I... I want to help reduce your fear. But," Damion looks up at the ceiling and back down to the floor, "I'm afraid of hurting you."

She places her hand on Damion and looks into his eyes, "She's going to hurt me. I'm trying to find out how to hurt less." Damion takes a shuddering breath.

"Okay, I understand," Damion fidgets, "I need you to be very clear with me about how you feel. You can say stop at any time. I will listen and obey everything you say. Do you understand?"

She nods. The three sit paralyzed. Hanna worries a fold of fabric between her fingers. "Tell me the whole thing, start to finish."

Damion takes a slow deep breath and exhales equally as slowly. "The best way to do it is to first make you very relaxed and comfortable. Usually a massage." Hanna nods.

"The next step is to make you wet. Usually by gently running my fingers through your folds. Then slowly stretch you by inserting 1, 2, then 3 fingers into you." Hanna swallows but continues to nod.

"It's usually done best while also making you feel good with my mouth on you and make you cum."

"Well, I'm all for doing that." The three quietly snicker.

"Well, it's better to look forward to something than to be avoiding fear," Mulsae says.

Hanna sobers, "Yeah. Okay. I'd like to look forward to that. I want to know what that feels like."

Damion rolls some stress out of his shoulders, but he seems lighter, "Yeah, that is a much better goal to work towards."

"What happens next?"

"Once you've cum and been stretched you should be relaxed enough to be able to take a cock where it feels good."

Hanna takes a big steadying breath. "I want to try it. On my terms. In a safe environment."

Mulsae and Damion look at each other. Damion looks back to her, "I'm at your service. Tell me what you want and I'll do it."

"Start with step one? The massage?" She appears resolved. Damion nods.

Mulsae moves to the outside edge of the bed so Hanna can take the middle. She crawls to the middle then stops, "Should I take off my clothes?" She's only wearing a large tunic and underwear, both borrowed from Mulsae.

Damion swallows, "A back massage feels better directly on the skin." She nods once then pulls off the tunic. Mulsae immediately averts his eyes. He doesn't want to see. He doesn't want to know.

She lays down on her stomach. Damion scoots over to her, "I'm going to touch your back now." She nods. He gently lowers his hands and presses on her back. "Tell me at any moment when you want to stop." She nods.

Damion starts to gently caress her back. Mulsae asks, "Do you want me to leave? I can give you two privacy."

She shakes her head, "No," she pushes out a hand, "Give me your hand." Mulsae blinks at it but eventually grasps it. She relaxes and Damion presses more firmly into her muscles.

She hums and sighs, "This is good. I haven't had a massage in ages. I'm usually the one giving them."

"I'm glad it's good," Mulsae lays on his side facing her. She opens her eyes and looks at him. He smiles and runs gentle circles on her hand with his thumb, "Relax and let us take care of you." She nods and closes her eyes.

Damion massages her back, neck, and biceps. He then moves to her legs and feet. He always tells her where he is going to touch next to prevent her from being shocked.

"Some people like their butt massaged, while others don't. Do you want me to try or not?" He asks.

"Try it," she says.

"I'm going to take off your underwear." She nods lazily. Mulsae can sense just how relaxed she is. More relaxed than she's been this whole time.

"I'm going to touch your butt now," he says and then gently places his hands on her skin. He squeezes. "Is it okay?" She nods. "Some people get really turned on by this."

She hums affirmatively, "I'm feeling that."

"That's good. That means you're getting relaxed enough to have sex pleasurably." She hums and nods slowly.

Once Damion has covered her whole body in massaging touch he broaches the subject of step two. "Do you feel okay to move to the next step? Where I place my fingers along your folds?"

She takes a deep breath. "Slowly." She squeezes Mulsae's hand. He squeezes back.

"Slowly." Damion gently moves her legs apart for easier access. He slowly places a finger down her folds in a gentle caress. She shivers.

"Was that a good shiver, or a bad shiver?"

She smiles, "Good shiver."

"I'm going to press more firmly." She nods. He presses deeper into her folds and slowly runs his finger up and down. When it feels sufficiently slick he passes over her nerve bundle.

He body swells with a full body inhale. "Ohh..."

"Good?"

"Yes," she breathes. Mulsae can sense her mind is swimming in lust and desire.

"Okay, a different position makes this easier. Do you mind rolling onto your back?"

She slowly pushes herself up and grabs the tunic. She turns onto her back and drapes the tunic across her chest. She looks down at herself then huffs a laugh, "I guess modesty is silly at this point."

"Whatever makes you comfortable," Mulsae says.

She takes a deep breath then slowly tugs on the tunic to pull it off, "She's not going to grant me modesty..."

"Let's instead think about that orgasm you're working towards," Mulsae offers gently.

She nods and smiles lazily, "Yeah. Please. Keep going."

Damion nods and settles himself between her legs. He runs a finger through her folds then circles the bundle. A wave subtly rolls down her body and her eyes flutter. Damion then leans down and gently licks her.

She moans quietly. "Good?" Mulsae asks. She fervently nods her head.

Damion laps at her bundle for a bit until she's swaying. Then he says, "I'm going to insert a finger now."

She nods, "I'm ready," she breathes.

He slowly inserts a finger and her back arches. "Is it okay?"

"Great," she smiles.

Mulsae sits up, "I'm going to caress your hair." She nods as her head languidly rolls side to side. He runs his nails over her scalp and her eyes flutter. "Yes," she breathes.

"I'm adding a second finger." She nods. Her hips are rolling with his thrusting.

"Third finger," he says after a bit. "Yes, please," she responds.

When she feels stretched enough, he says, "I'm going to press on something inside you. It will probably feel different, but good." She nods.

He curls his fingers and presses into her g-spot. Her eyes fly open and her back arches, "Oh my gods!"

"Good?" Mulsae whispers. "Please please keep going," she pleads. Mulsae and Damion grin at each other.

Damion continues licking, sucking, and thrusting, while Hanna writhes under his touch.

"Almost there" she breathes. Damion keeps his rhythm. Her back slowly bends into an arch and then she whips forward and writhes wildly, bucking and rolling her hips against Damion. He rides her through it. She gradually slows down and expels all the air from her lungs like she's deflating. She tilts her head lazily to the side and smiles at Mulsae.

"Wow," she breathes.

Mulsae smiles widely and caresses her cheek, "Yeah. Wow."

Damion sits up and wipes his face. "How do you feel?"

"Like I'm floating on a cloud."

Mulsae and Damion smile at each other. This all started super awkward but has definitely ended in success.

Her eyes flutter and she looks to Damion, "What's next?"

"Sleep? It can be pretty exhausting."

"Yeah. But. I feel good. Can we keep going?"

Damion smiles warmly, "I'm at your service, Hanna."

A smile tugs at Hanna's lips, "You're mine."

"I'm yours to do with as you please."

She sits up and leans back on her hands, "What's next?"

"Next is the actual sex part."

She nods, "How should we do that?"

"Well, generally women like to be on top the first time they do it."

"Show me."

Damion takes off his pants and lays on his back. He takes himself in hand and strokes.

"Can I touch it? I've never touched one while it's hard."

"I think it's best if you do. You should handle it to position it properly."

She swallows and nods. He takes his hand away and she reaches towards him. She runs a feather light finger down its length. She then reaches farther and gently places her hand around it.

"Okay, how do I do this?"

"Straddle my legs." She crawls over and straddles his thighs.

"Then hover over it, and run its tip through your folds until you find your entrance. Then slowly, slowly lower yourself down."

She nods. She kneels up to hover over Damion's cock. Her face is an expression of concentration as she runs the tip of his cock through her folds to find her entrance.

"I think that's it," she lowers herself down a bit. She inhales and lowers a little further. "Oh," she says.

"Are you okay?"

"It feels... interesting," she sighs and gradually sinks the entire way. "Oh."

"Everything okay?"

"Great. I feel... whole."

"Some women feel that way. It definitely means you're feeling relaxed and comfortable."

She nods. She closes her eyes. An expression of contentment melts across her face. She experiments lifting up and down and hums contentedly.

She opens her eyes and looks down at Damion, "You feel far away." He nods. "Can we do something closer?"

He swallows and nods. "I could sit up and you can straddle my lap."

"Let's do that."

They reposition themselves. Mulsae is definitely feeling like he's intruding. But he just lays still and tries not to disturb Hanna.

Hanna and Damion are nose to nose and sharing breath. Her arms are wrapped around his neck. He rocks her slowly and she moans.

"Can I kiss you?" She whispers. He nods. She presses her lips to his. They explore each other.

Mulsae rolls onto his back and drapes an arm over his eyes. He feels their gentle rocking next to him. He's getting turned on and can't do anything about it. His cock presses achingly against the cage.

He imagines if he were in Damion's position, slowly rocking Hanna with their lips joined. Oh gods, I'm just making this worse for myself. He wants to wrap his hand around his cock desperately.

He's not going to get to have her like this, slow and mutually pleasurable. Zudaeshi is going to make him take her hard and fast. Make her submit. Make her whine. Maybe even make her cry. He doesn't get to have this. He only gets to have violence.

"This is nice. But..." she starts.

"But...?" Damion responds lowly.

"This isn't what Zudaeshi said she wants done to me."

"No... This isn't."

"Can we try it?"

Damion stills. Mulsae lowers his arm off his face.

"It's... advanced," Damion says softly.

"She's going to make Mulsae do it to me tonight," she says sternly. Mulsae's stomach curdles. "I'd like to have an idea of what it is before that happens."

Mulsae and Damion share looks of resigned grief. "You're right," Mulsae whispers.

"Let's work up to it," Damion says gently, "Let's start with you on all fours and I enter you from behind." She nods and lifts herself up. She turns her back to Damion and positions herself on her hands and knees.

"Okay," Damion repositions to his knees, "I'm going to enter you again." She nods. He presses himself in. It's easy. She is so wet. He thrusts slowly a few times.

"This feels different."

"Yeah, some women prefer it this way, actually."

"I can see why."

"The other thing is speed and depth. Let's start with depth. I'm going to try to go as deep as I can." She nods. He puts his hands on her hips and withdraws. He then snaps his hips forward while pulling her hips back.

"Oh!" She exclaims, "I don't think I like that."

Mulsae blanches. Fuck. He slings his arm back over his eyes. Zudaeshi is absolutely going to expect me to do that to Hanna. Fuck.

"Yeah, this position enables going pretty deep and it isn't always comfortable."

Damion thrusts slowly, "Do you want to try faster?"

"Yes." She nods.

Damion picks up his pace. He gradually goes faster and faster.

"Okay, stop!" Damion immediately stills. "That was okay at first but then it just got really overwhelming."

Mulsae crumples his face. Tonight is going to be awful. His eyes start to sting.

"So what is the method she described she wants done with me?"

"For that, you would bend over the bed." She shuffles off the bed and leans over. "Like this?" Mulsae steals a peek at her and his cock flares painfully in the cage. He rapidly looks away. Gods. I want it so bad and don't want it desperately in the same breath.

Damion gets off the bed and behind Hanna. "I'm going to enter you now." She nods, and he presses in. She moans lightly.

"From this position She will expect both fast and deep. For awhile."

"Oh..."

"Yeah. It might be really uncomfortable for you." Damion says. Mulsae turns away and suppresses a groan.

"Can you try it and I'll see how much I can handle?"

Damion takes a deep breath, "Yes. But you have to tell me when you want me to stop, okay? Promise me you'll tell me?" She nods, "I promise."

He starts trusting and gradually increases speed. She gradually grimaces and grips the bed covers tightly. Damion gets up to a punishing speed and depth.

"Are you okay?" He pants. "Okay," she says through gritted teeth.

After a few more moments, Hanna exclaims, "Okay, okay! Stop stop stop." Damion stills promptly. She pants deeply.

"That..." she pants, "was a lot." Mulsae curls into himself. Fuck.

"Yeah, it can be. It's advanced. It's for when you get a better idea of what you like and are more familiar with all of the sensations."

She nods and pushes herself up. Damion steps away and slides out as he does so. She sits on the edge of the bed.

She breathes deeply while looking at the floor, "At least I know what to expect."

She looks up at Damion, "Is there anything else she could ask of me that we haven't talked about yet?"

Damion sits heavily on the bed and looks to the floor sourly, "Yeah..."

"What is it?"

"It's using your mouth on a cock," Damion replies. She nods slowly. "There are blow jobs where you are mostly in control of what happens. And then there is throat fucking, where you just open your mouth and try to survive one of the most awful experiences."

Her eyes widen, "It's awful?"

"I can't stand throat fucking. Mulsae used to love to torture me with it. He dangled it over my head as a threat, always looming as a possibility if I didn't behave correctly." Damion laments. Mulsae curls tightly into himself. Please please please don't make me throat fuck her. Please, gods, please.

"How does it work? What happens?"

"It's inserting the cock so deep into your mouth it goes down your throat. You gag. Sometimes throw up. And you can't breathe when the cock is that deep. Another torture method is to hold your head with the cock down your throat so you can't breathe for an extended period. Mulsae made me pass out that way from a lack of air."

Mulsae gets up and walks into the bathroom and shuts the door. It's still broken so he lowers himself to the floor and leans against the door to keep it closed.

Fuck. Zudaeshi is absolutely going to make me do that. She's already made me do it to Damion. He resists the urge to bang his head against the door. Instead he squeezes his fists tight and lets his nails bite into his skin. But it doesn't help. It doesn't stop the shame, or the fear, or the sick, sick dread crawling up his spine.

He'd seen the look on Damion's face after. That haunted stillness. He can't, he can't do that again. Not to her. Not to anyone. His throat tightens. He leans harder against the door.

She's going to make me hurt Hanna. A broken laugh escapes him. And I'll do it. I'll do it like I did before. I'll get her to scream and beg, and then I'll pet her hair and tell her she's doing so well. He slams the back of his head once against the door, hard enough to hurt.

He wants to scream. To claw at the floor. To cut the rot out of his skin. But instead, he folds forward, curling in on himself like a child. His breath stutters. His whole body shakes.

I don't want to hurt anyone else. Not Damion. Not Hanna. Not even Garrick. But he already has. And he will again. Because it doesn't matter what he wants. It only matters what Zudaeshi commands.

There's a soft knock on the door behind him. "Mulsae?" Hanna asks gently. Her gentle caring voice breaks the dam. He gasps a sob and tears roll down his face.

Then Damion's voice, "We're right here for you." The door creaks slightly as he leans against it.

"Can you talk about it?" Hanna asks softly.

He presses the palms of his hands into his eyes. "I don't want to do those things to you."

There's silence. Then she says, "It's not you, it's Her."

"But it's my body!" He yells and drives his fist into the floor, "And it's my flashbacks!" He pauses and softens, "It's not my body anymore," his voice cracks, "It's Hers. But I'm forced to watch. To feel. To remember things."

He curls on his side with his back pressed against the door. "I still fantasize about it. I try not to, but sometimes... I let myself slip... and I indulge myself and dream."

He sucks in a breath. "What she's offering me isn't fantasy. It's reality. And..." he lowers his voice to a whisper, "... I want it."

He starts to babble. "What's going to happen? Will I lose myself? Will I forget to be careful? Will I lose self control, not just during, but after? Will this destroy any progress I've made trying to be a better person?"

"Mulsae..." Hanna's voice is soft and gentle, "You're asking questions bad people just don't ask themselves." He presses his fist to his mouth, biting down on the sound of another sob.

Damion speaks up, "Every day that you keep trying, a piece of yourself remains better than who you were. Even when it feels like you've already failed."

"What if I regress?" Mulsae says through tear soaked lips.

"Progress isn't linear," Damion replies, "Regression is inevitable. The important thing is to acknowledge it and push forward yet again. Eventually, on the whole you'll be better than who you were."

"But come on," Damion stands, "This isn't about you right now. We need to help Hanna. Get up, come out, and lets work on this together." He taps on the door twice. "You two should get more familiar with each other so it doesn't feel weird when She makes you get so close."

He's right. He's always right. Mulsae lumbers to his feet. He walks over to the sink and splashes cold water on his face then wipes it off with a towel. He opens the door and sees Damion and Hanna standing there. "Okay. What should we do next?"